[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
United Steaks of America
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.