You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Social distancing in Australia:
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
X-tra spooky blend
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows