Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
These are too funny not to post 😂
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The asteroid..
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday