the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Something Saturday.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?