*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
You Might Also Like
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*