I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Venn
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground