hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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The “research” scene in every horror movie
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.