Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.