If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
The three genders.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.