[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat