“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
me and the Superbowl rn
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.