Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.