when nothing goes right… go left
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“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”