Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Dune (2021)
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Simple enough.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert