Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name