debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
called in thicc to work this morning
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.