Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Candles never taste the way they smell
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Whoa… oh I see lol