A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A short story about romance.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now