Mornin
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender