Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The internet is magic sometimes.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.