Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I think they could have phrased this better
2022 be like
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Best table by far
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.