i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
beware of dog
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.