Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.