[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees