MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
me when i see my girls butt
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here