Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
A classic…
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*