Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
dam girl
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*