And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I think my mom just blocked me
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.