Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Yes, this is exactly right
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.