What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one