When I can’t barge, I careen.
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.