*looks at you in batman voice*
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.