[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.