What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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never ask a starfish for directions
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Life hack
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.