ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.