My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
This is sending me to another galaxy