“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Penguins walking in 5x speed