“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?