My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Trumpy Cat
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.