It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Every work meeting this week
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”