My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you