Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
You Might Also Like
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
selena gomez
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
fixed it
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.