Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
i will avenge u mr van gogh