Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You Might Also Like
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age