just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave