My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
become ungovernable
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
so this horse walks into a bar
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
get you a girl who
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*