My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
You Might Also Like
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*