When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
(Musicians.)
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”