Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?