My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
You Might Also Like
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*